11 things

11 things

01.
          If you had asked me a year ago if I loved you, I would have answered "yes." If you were to ask me now if I love you, I would answer, "I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love with you." I would also say that I feel guilty for that because I don't want to hurt you. I hate to see you in pain and I do cherish you, but I don't know if it is in that way. It is a confusing stir of emotions and I'm still trying to figure it out; but, there is one thing I do know for certain.
          I don't want to sit around waiting for you anymore.

02.
          I've written far too many pieces about you. Far, far too many. But I can't seem to get you out of my head sometimes. I wonder if I saw or heard from you again if the notion of you would finally vanish…or if it would get worse.

03.
          I don't bear grudge against you. True, what happened hurt and I wish that it hadn't taken place at all, but it did. However, the past is intangible, so I can't change it even if I wanted to (which I don't). We all have our paths in life and I wish you the best on yours. See you again sometime, even if only in words.

04.
          I miss you every day, but I'm happy that you are happy. Really and truly I am. I wouldn't change a thing because I know our friendship is still strong and will endure. Hope to see you again soon! <3

05.
          I'm not sure I even want to write anything to you, but one day I hope I will have the courage to tell you what I truly feel. You're the only one I've blocked, you know. There are a handful of others that I'm not fond of that I've accepted, but you're the one I couldn't stand to let through. I've said my share of harsh words to you, and I'm sorry for that since I really should have been more civil about it, but my anger when it comes to you is fiery. It is against you that I hold a grudge and the thought of you makes me scoff in constant disapproval.
          I pity you for your ordeals, but that doesn't mean you must cause me mine in return. I don't wish you death, but I wish you'd vanish. I wish you'd move away somewhere far and never creep into my life again. It's been years since I've actually seen you, which is good because I don't know what I would say, but you still find your way into my life through others. As horrible as it sounds, I resent you for everything you are.
          I wish I could fix everything in your life, fix you. Unfortunately, this desire doesn't come out of the good of my heart so that you may be healed. No. I want to say that some part of me wants to do it for that reason, but for the most part I want to do it for my benefit. So that you can move on and stop grasping at what is not yours. I know this isn't a simple matter of jealousy (I'm not vain enough to think that anyone would ever be jealous of me, but you told me so yourself); there is so much more to it than that, but I just need it to stop.
          I don't believe in fighting for what you so desperately want. I don't own what you deem a prize, which is why I say nothing because it is a redundancy like no other. But you are still invasive and I want with every fibre in my body to drive you away. Yet, I remain idle. One day, I hope I am strong enough to move.

06.
          I was using you. For years and years I was using you because you were one of the only ones who would stand at my side. When everyone else pushed me away despite how "nice" and "likeable" I was, you were there. I've always wondered why.
          I feel like such a prick for being so selfish and I feel horrible for the way I've treated you. Should I call you friend? I don't want to because I never felt that you were. I berated you and brought you down and those things have always overshadowed what meagre kindness I did show you. At one point I even hated you, but I don't anymore. I have no reason to hate you now (and my reasons before were not that good when it comes to reasons either).
          Did you know that you knew me better than most? Not better than everyone else knew me, but you were one of the ones who knew me best. Sometimes you were the only ear that would listen to my anger. And then you were the one fighting at my side in battles that we shouldn't have even been a part of.
          I wonder, if not friend, then what do I call you?

07.
          Please, leave me alone. I've noticed your attention since you and she parted. I don't know if you are favouring others with the same constant implicating questions, but please stop asking me.
          Seriously. I'm not interested.

08.
          We clash, you and I. We clash so much that I don't even want to be in the same room as you because the tension is so damn thick. I walk through my own house with careful footsteps because I don't want to pass you by; when you are here, I feel a prisoner within my safe space. And it's not just because of how you treat me that makes me tense, but more importantly how you treat her. I cringe in disgust as she puts up with it and I know the reasons she does, but I wish she'd find the strength to break free of your verbal lashings. If she doesn't, however, be warned…because one day I will snap at you and it won't be pretty. The only reason I haven't so far is for her sake, but I fear she is growing weaker rather than stronger as she once was. If I must protect her, I sure as hell will.

09.
          I wish I could be what you want me to be, but I can't. I know you love me, but sometimes I fear that I am only a constant disappointment.

10.
          People keep referring to us as being related and I suppose I can see why they would think that, but this is not something that I can accept. I have nothing against you (well, save for one thing that I'd rather forget); in fact, it warms me to think that you'd fight for me if I needed someone there. It's nice to think that I could have a guardian like that, and yet I can't state that our connection goes beyond him and her. It's just that I don't want to be connected to you (or anyone else) like that. I'd rather stand alone in this way.

11.
          Thank you for believing in me. You almost made me cry when you said what you said, but I assure you they were happy tears because your words meant and still do mean so much. When I felt like I wasn't worth a heck of a lot to anybody, you made me feel like I do have worth. Like I am doing something right. I'm sorry that I don't call you, but I'm not a phone person. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. I should really tell you sometime.